There is a part of me in you that I love. ―Abraham Twerski
Everyone says “love hurts”. Yet, all we ever do is looking for love. It feels so good but hurts so bad, doesn’t it?. From seeing your world through someone’s eyes to bottling up yourself for that person’s expectations. Love has never been built to be broken. So why in the world could your “possible soulmate” become just a “stranger”?
When asked about the reason why their relationship is dim, people start blurting things out. Trust issues. Different goals. Compatibility. Communication. Achievements. Value and beliefs. Boredom. Finance. Time and effort. Distance. Compromise. Changes. Family. Insecurities. They all have one thing in common.
Abraham Twerski once said “you said you love the fish. That is why you took it out of the water, killed it, and boiled it.” You don’t love the fish. You love yourself. Because the fish tastes good to you, you harm them for your sake. You said you love the person. That is why they should make you happy. That is why they should do everything to deserve your love. You don’t love the person. You love your emotion which that person is able to make you feel. As Twerski stated, “There is a part of me in you that I love.”
You call yourself you’re in love. But you are scared to be lonely. Your “type” means you expect the person to be your way. You’re attracted to them because they are beautiful, or smart, or famous, or rich, or popular. It is never about them. It is about you seeing the benefit of how they can provide your needs physically and emotionally. It is all about making your life better.
Most of us want something back the moment we give. We invest ourselves in the person just so there will be parts of us in them that we love. We say we love them, but we only love a version of them that we like. And we constantly expect them to be that version. We constantly want to receive back the love we give. We hurt the relationship, modifying little things which defy our satisfaction.
We don’t like breakups. We don’t want to be apart from the people because they are the special something to whom we’ve done the most good. We don’t like the loneliness in the aftermath. We don’t like the future without someone to take from. It’s okay that they leave. It’s not okay when we feel the pain as they leave. We resent the memories in which they perfectly fit our definition of love.
What is true love then?
True love is truly caring for people for who they really are. We respect their value. We embrace the flaws until we learn to love them too. It doesn’t mean we have to kill ourselves if they ask us to. We can completely be us. They can completely be them. We just need to give without expecting back.
Relationships have always been hard. But if it was easy, it would never be the best thing that ever happened to us. If we want people to do things our way, we might not get that. But if we just want to give them, nothing can stop us. If we want to be loved, we might not be loved. But if we give all the love, nothing can stop us. Find fulfillment not in how they react, but in how we give.
It’s not always about the powerful “I”. You’ll find out pretty fast that a lot of good things will be taken for granted if you’re given all that you want. Maybe this world was designed correctly. It designs us to never get everything we want. At this point, we have two options. Either we find the happiness in giving, or we find the happiness in taking back.
It’s a mad world, isn’t it? All of the pain for literally nothing. You can let go of the pain now. Focus on the love. Fish love is just a game of life. If you don’t play the game, the game will play you. Do not define how happy you are by how much people give you back. Define how happy you are by cherishing yourself for the power to be good. Define how happy you are by the ability to make yourself happy.
The world can be a lot more beautiful if you know how to live it.
Live it well.